How to give a cat a pill

Cat_pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbors shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

Ring fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.

Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from Hades, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

01. Wrap it in bacon.



Categories: Animals, Reading

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7 replies

  1. After the first couple of abortive – and painful – attempts, we completely gave up on attempting to give our late Havana, Dante, any kind of medication. Any cat who can, from a completely mummified position, manage to get two legs free enough to lacerate the hand holding the pill – while being held by two humans – is clearly descended from Houdini. Even our vet couldn’t manage it – in the end, on a couple of occasions when medication was necessary, we would make a special daily journey so that the vet could administer the necessary drug in injection form.

    It is possible that he was simply karma catching up with us because of Junior, another of our felines, who was medicated with three pills per day for the last eight years of his life… and who never gave more than a token protest or even tried to run away!

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  2. Seen this before – still funny. Though my BC manages to eat the bacon off the pill and spit it out

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  3. So been there, done that. I finally told the vet with one cat that I would NOT be pilling it anymore and that if it needed anything, they best be finding another way to administer the medication, ideally in the vet’s office via injection. This was after the cat bit through HER OWN LIP to bite me. I came away from that encounter with over ten puncture wounds, scratches, and prophylactic antibiotics from my doctor because of the severity of my injuries.

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  4. Yep, been there, done that, got the t shirt and the scars to prove it!

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