So you want a dog?

Kilian Katara & Kilian Jack Hammer pup (Nico Kilian)
  1. Buy a leash and attach a harness around a large stone, walk around and drag the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 6, go out in pouring rain / blizzard and go up and down a muddy / icy road, say good girl / guy all the time while repeating ” Pee now, pee now… please…”
  3. Fill your pockets with poop bags and pick up all the dog shit you can find, of course not your dog’s as you haven’t bought it yet
  4. Start using your shoes indoors, especially during muddy periods. Then you walk around at home with dried mud and gravel all over the floor. And the couch.
  5. Collect leaves outside and spread them on the floor.
  6. Bring in sticks and branches and stab them into small pieces until only chips remain and spread out on your finest carpet.
  7. Pour cold apple juice on carpet and floor…. walk barefoot over it in the dark.
  8. Pour some chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning and then try to clean the carpet in the evening.
  9. Use socks and clothes where you have made holes with a blender.
  10. Jump off the couch minutes before the movie ends and run out in just slippers in pouring rain.
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair. Dark clothes with bright hair and bright clothes with dark hair. Plus all the furniture and floors.
  12. Put recorded dog should and whine about timer random over the day, preferably at night or when you lay down to rest.
  13. Make small rodent holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs. Also tear away bitwise with wallpaper along the baseboards and take a saw and make hack in corner edges on the wall.
  14. When you wash dishes, splash water everywhere and don’t dry it up.
  15. Make confetti of toilet paper and spread throughout the home when you leave the house and clean up when you get home.
  16. Forget to visit friends who don’t have a dog, stop celebrating holidays with family members. Don’t even think about it. Sit at home while roommate and any children come up with something fun.
  17. Always go home right after work or school.
  18. Go on foot, regardless of the weather, and inspect all the dirty paper, gum, butts and dead mice that you can find and remove these.
  19. Wake up at 3:00. Place a sack of potatoes on yourself and try to sleep, while wiping your face with a dishcloth that you have left by the bed in a bowl of water since last week.
  20. Empty dust from the vacuum cleaner bag over the floors, under furniture and cabinets.

Let this last for a year, and haven’t you lost your mind yet – congratulations, you’re ready to buy a dog. 🐶 🐶

Author: Janet Carr

Fashion, beauty and animal loving language consultant from South Africa living in Stockholm, Sweden.

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