1. Never indicate – this will give away your next move. A real African driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in Africa during rush hour. That’s why it’s called ‘rush hour. …’
8. Just because you’re in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help – you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
12. Remember that the goal of every African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It’s people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.